It was a sunny day this morning, drivers were driving, walkers were walking, workers were working, and dicks were flaccid. Bustlers were bustling through the boisterous community.
At approximately 9:34 AM, a woman, who wishes to have her identity concealed under the name CockWhopping TittyVulture, was gruesomely and perversely attacked by what is now known locally as the Brown Massacre.
As miss TittyVulture was walking down Candydick Avenue, our unknown assailant, who will, for reasons which will soon reveal themselves to our readers at home, be known as "Asshole of Zyklon B" proceeded to pounce on her, in what eyewitness reports describe to be much in the motion of a cheetah pouncing on a gazelle and take a massive shit directly on miss Cockwhopping's face.
After doing aforementioned despicable deed, mister Hemroid of Cyanide proceeded to competely remove his pants and undergarments and release one of the most horrifically putrid farts ever to be whiffed by human nostrils.
Our culprit then decided to very specifically tell the public, who at this point looked on in terror and disgust, the difference between his, as he refered to them, Mystical Releases of Bowel Discharge. Key differences in his "Shits", as we commoners normally refer to them, were generally defined by their texture and structure. The Weapon used on miss C.TittyVulture was photographed and shown below.
(We warn you, the following image may be too gruesome for the eyes of the innocent)
All we have to say here at Soviet Phonebook is walk with caution, folks of the one last true kingdom of god, Papua New Guinea, for this Cagador Cagalistroso is still on the loose.
Stay tuned for more coverage on the matter.
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