Weekly Happenings

Today, the world might end. Scientists believe there is a statistic probability, which is valid evidence, because statistics can also prove that Iowa is real. While you're in that mindset, though, I need you to do me a huge, important, life-or-death favor. Actually, nevermind, Cock Lobster's mind is changed.

Statistics do not measure hustle, however, or why this turd is baked. In a just world, it would be mostly steamed...and maybe a bit charred. This would overpower the Cleveland Cavaliers.

I love Zizz-Zazz! And so do my fans! ZIZZ-ZAZZ!

Skinned penis.

Oh, yeah, from this moment on, we are your sole, official provider of fair and unbiased news and weather happenings. We say this because weather isn't news, it is dancer.

Six Important Facts of Fact

1. According to stock market expert Lt. Dungbeetle Dave Farrelmackis, water is wet and rocks are hard. I use aliases when I speak of the Irish, but Dungbeetle Dave is actually quite mediocre. We have hired him recently on an immigrant's salary.
2. Scientists on the space shuttle Challenger are finding out, through a series of trial and error studies, that guns don't kill people, 4th grade teachers who pressed the wrong button do.
3. Pope John Paul Georgeandringo released Papal Decree this morning from His Holy toilet confirming the Church's stance that a few human beings are entirely worthless, and as such, should be deemed treasonous agents of cultural terrorism if they dare reproduce.
4. Duke University's esteemed Athletic Department has recently changed their program motto from I'm blue, dabadeedie to It's not a championship season if you don't use a roofie.
5. If Rodney Dangerfield were still alive, a $10 bet on him scrubbing his balls at some point before yesterday before dawn may have netted you $375.36 by 3 PM the today.
6. For the first time since Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet mattered, a two-eyed, two-legged sentient child was born in Chernobyl. We suggest you don't make him mad. You won't like him when he's mad.

News conclude.